It's Resolution Time - I want my body to feel good.

I am Happy!!! and when I am happy, I don't write as regularly about my feelings. This doesn't really surprise me because happiness generally comes with less analyzation than usual. BUT . . .

I had a pretty serious break-through a few weekends ago with the aid of a friend. So incredible in fact that it keeps coming up for me over and over again. He asked me a question after hearing out one of my problems:

What is the pay-off?

and insisted that I not take "I don't know" for an answer from myself.

This question has seeped into a lot of areas of my life and even though I haven't really focused on the question, or finding the answers, I have pondered it on several occasions. I'd like to dedicate this post to my resolutions for the new year:

I have always kind of hated the tradition of setting resolutions. I have never been any good at keeping them . . . sometimes I fail to even start trying, something that has not been very good for my self-esteem. Some resolutions I set, but didn't succeed with are:

1. Eat a healthy diet *roughly translated, this means: no junk food, more nutrition, no soda, no mindless indulgence eating or absent minded eating, no eating out of boredom, etc.

2. Get regular excersize *which means . . . LOSE WEIGHT, like . . . 10-20 pounds of it.

3. Don't stay up too late, repeatedly.

4. Stop Procrastinating on EVERYTHING.

5. Keep my goals.

I've been going about this all wrong.

and this is the part where I want to quit. I realize it's 10 to Midnight, I see my therapist in the morning at 8:00 and I regularly blow her off because I forget. But the reason not to quit is because this is the part where I get the answers.

I know that "Eat Healthy" doesn't work, because it encompasses so many little things for me. I know that there are under-lying issues to my relationship with food . . . I think there are under-lying issues to why I don't excersize, why I procrastinate, and why I don't really keep the goals I set. I think it comes back to that insecurity of mine -- I'm not going to be good enough, so I'm not going to start, or try very hard because if I fail, there will be proof that I'm not good enough. That I can't do it.

Before I go on, I want to clarify that the 'voices' in my head . . . are aspects of my personality that I've been able to identify. They aren't actually voices. I'm not delusional, I'm not hallucinating, and I'm not an ellusive 'Multiple Personality' or a Schizophrenic. . .

I think I've mentioned Critic to you before. She's the voice that usually speaks the loudest. The Egoic part of me that believes everything is about her. She's the one that sets us up for failure, reminds us we aren't good enough, she's the one that runs the bull-shit, she's the one who thinks: 'not good enough'. I'm ready to talk about Little Sweetie. That's me. Little Sweetie knows that Critic is trying to keep her safe; protect her from the blows, but Little Sweetie doesn't really know what she can do because . . . she's never tried and trying seems terribly frightening.

So go on, ask me? What's the pay-off for failing at these goals???? I laugh to myself because the answer is Justification for Inaction. If I don't try, I can't fail. If I don't commit, I don't have to hold myself accountable to myself.

I want to start small this year. I have groceries in my fridge to make the risotto that I've always wanted to try. There is this great website called recipezaar.com that allows you to narrow down the recipes by whatever criteria you choose. Instead of eating healthy, I want to learn how to make my favorite dishes. Cooking has never been very exciting for me and that is part of the reason I opt for convenience so often.

I already go to a yoga class on Monday night. I resolve to keep going. I already know that I really enjoy the treadmill and the eliptical machine, and the stationary bike. I already have access to that equipment in the building I work in. I resolve to get 30 minutes of cardio three times a week.

That's all :) and I've put it on my calendar.

P.S. I gave my room a make-over. Here's a picture of half of it :)

Dollar

I had a dream a few nights ago that my 22 year old mare wandered around until she found a good place to lie down and die.

A list . . . It's of great importance and is to be prioritized at a later time.

1. I want to own a really good and wonderful cat sometime in the upcoming future. I plan to select this feline very, very carefully. It will be the perfect one for me.
2. There is this really beautiful and sweet Cocker Spaniel named Sassy. I like to call her Sassafrass or Sassafrassiieeee. I really, really, really want to create or find a good home for the little darling. I am thinking about putting out the call because I really want to commit to her, but I think I will need help.
3. Learn a romantic language . . . I REALLY want to make language my craft, my artwork, my gift. I want to play with it, bend the rules and write things that make the mouth water to read. . . . Italian first I think, then Pablo Naruda's Spanish poetry.
4. I really want to learn how to give back to the community that loves me. To give it more of what makes it flourish and bloom. And THEN learn how to share it with others in a way they will understand . . . welcome to my side of life . . . it's glittery here, with neon lights, some dust . . . there's really a lot of misunderstood artwork out there, check it out.
5. I want to meet an elephant. In the environment they feel most comfortable. Touch its skin and apologize for all the violence that has been committed against their little tribes.
6. Go on a RIVER RAFTING EPIC ADVENTURE FOR BEGINNERS with Barbara, her husband Spencer, and the whole crew of people that are interested in taking their first trip down the river.
7. costumes, Costumes, COSTUMES.
8. More self actualization, but ask some questions and get some feed-back. Read those books already, and take the forum.
9. Take a new approach to my education and get out of it what I truly desire.
10. Take better care of my body . . . stop doing violence to it (no zit picking, healthy foods, nutrients, sunlight, drink more water, take a bath with delectable crystally bath salts or something treasures that make me feel like fluffy pink birthday cake when I get out . . . with rich butter cream frosting).
11. Write some Love letters.
12. Create a new relationship with food for myself.
13. Find the job that was truly meant for me when the time is right . . .
14. Allow myself the FREEDOM to really go after my ideals. <3


There's more . . . a lot more, but I think this is the basics for now.

Some major themes are:
Justification for In-Action . . . what is that about?
Violence in our lives, inflicted on us by ourselves, our loved-ones, strangers, friends . . . I think there is a lot more of it than most of us see or experience with any awareness at all.
What can be channeled and are you sure you want it???
What is that religion thing all about?
What is the proper etiquette to fart in public, or other confined spaces . . . and how can it be made groovy to have a body that functions in ways that we are not aware of . . . find comfort.

Wonderment

I wonder why it is that when the weight is lifted, my heart and soul begin to soar. When I'm in the depths I try to remind myself to rise above, but I'm trapped by something perceived. How can anyone rise above with something so heavy keeping them down?

I'm beginning to think they were right, whoever they were that said our perception is our reality.

I'm taking a personality theory class, and I've hated it. The teacher is a charming 72 year old black woman. She's a spitfire with her own agenda and opinions . . . and she's not afraid to tell you what's up. She survived breast cancer, she's taking care of her 90 year old mother with the aide of a nurse and her sister. She loves her family, and she expects a a lot out of us. I am capable of succeeding in her class, but for some reason I've chosen not to. Turns out I just didn't personalize the curriculum. I should have been using this class for my own personal benefit (not academic benefit) this whole time. What a let down. I think I will be posting a few of the Essay's I've written for class in the next few days. I'm not sure I will pass with a decent grade. If I get less than a C, I think I will retake it because I don't want my GPA to suffer. GPA's are probably meaningless to the Universities I'm interested in, but I grew up in a household hearing "When I graduated, it was with a 3.98888888 because I couldn't climb the rope in gym class, you can do better than this" I feel like anything less than honors is not good enough.

My best friend and I grew up with kids who got money from their parents for every A on their report card. I got lectured about the D's. My friend's mom would look at the straight A's and say: "Oh, yup, boring, nothing new here". See, she thought she was helping, but it made my friend feel like she wasn't good enough. We wanted our parents to be proud when we did well. They just didn't know that what they were doing, wasn't helping us in any way except for reinforcing our feelings of inadequacy. As children, we wouldn't have even known to ask for different because we didn't know the subconscious thoughts and feelings that were going on in our minds.

I talked to D one day after class about any opportunities to earn a few extra points. She told me it would not be fair to the rest of the class and that she was sorry. As I turned and met the sympathetic, but judgmental eyes of the man I didn't know was standing behind me, D said: "I know you are more capable than this" and I cried all the way down 6 flights of stairs, and across the parking lot to my car.

I lost sight of the fact that school is about learning. Personality Theory should have been an opportunity to learn about myself, not about earning a grade so I could move on to the higher level classes.

That wasn't the point of this entry, but I'm glad to have written it. The point was, that the steady ascent out of the pit is still happening and it's mystifying to me. I still can't believe how much better I feel about my life in general now that, to quote Sylvia Plath, the Bell Jar has been lifted. Over one woman in my life who I thought didn't like me.

I am a bad-ass. I am a woman who wants to save the Earth from total destruction by her inhabitants. I want to save Humanity from war, starvation, and destitution by COMMUNICATING and sharing resources. I am the woman who wants to grow old wearing silk scarves, writing books (even if nobody reads them), and drinking wine with beloved friends. I am eccentric, I've dyed my hair purple, I wear flip-flops in the winter. I could sit in the sun all day long and daydream. I like blackberry ice cream, and locally brewed beers. I love a good novel, gemstones, jewelry, and good song lyrics. I want to be a painter, a sculptor, a welder, and a costume designer. I want to be a desert Goddess and travel the world seeking beauty in everything. I want to fall in love. I want to raise a puppy to be a good dog. I want to wear a bindi and my favorite necklace that's made with beans and a shell, a gift from a dear friend. I want to fill my life with positive, uplifting people who see beauty in the aesthetics of human beings. People who will listen to me cry and then celebrate with me when I find the answers for myself.

Why does my heart soar when the weight has been lifted? Why do I allow myself to be trapped at all?

A Quick One - Feelings

Feeling like the entries here are mile markers on a highway to major improvement.
Feeling like I can see the big picture again; I like it out here, where the spaces are wide instead of deep and over analyzed.
Feeling like I can choose how to react to a situation.
Feeling very loved.
Feeling relief that the semester ends next week.
Feeling overwhelmed by the 4 huge writing assignments that must be completed no later than Tuesday for some, Wednesday for the others.
Feeling optimistic about the kinds of things I can create - I have sewing projects, paper projects, and personal writing projects slated for my winter break. I don't want to set my sights too high because I'm the QUEEN of not doing the things on the list and I don't want the guilt.
Feeling concerned about my tendency to self sabotage.
Feeling guilty for all the times I made myself feel guilty over nothing.
Feeling worried about money, but thankful and relieved that money I was owed, got paid back. Why does the Universe always give me the extra when there really is no room to move in the usual?
Feeling very tired.
Feeling nervous about psychiatrist offices I've called. I will be setting up consults and picking a course of action for Adult Attention Deficit Disorder.
Feeling better about the decision to pursue the meds.
Feeling silly for being in denial so long about what a textbook example of AADD I am.
Feeling hopeful that this will be a good tool for me.
Learning, learning, learning . . .
Feeling optimistic about making the switch to the English program from the Psych program.
Feeling proud of the book that I made by hand and looking forward to making more in the future.
Feeling bad for not seeing my friends on Thanksgiving.

On The Rise

About The Pit. The Pit is what I choose to call my depression*. It usually starts out with the blues. When I get the blues I try to maintain any bit of 'happy' I can hold onto. It is a sort of desperation, and I think the anxiety caused by the desperation might make the slope more slippery. It is not fast, but it is an increadibly steady descent as I succumb more and more to the gravitational pull of The Pit.



I have learned about myself that my name is extraordinarily well suited to me and I have even started to wonder if it had/has an effect on who I am. Trieste in Italian means Melancholy, the definition of which is "A feeling of thoughtful sadness", SERIOUSLY!?! Seriously. Is there a word that means Self Actualized? because . . . I'm thinking of changing my name if there is.



I have known for a while, but it never hit so close to home as recently, that I take things very, very personally. I am sensitive. I am easily hurt. I accept guilt when it's thrust on me by others and I create a lot of it for myself. I get angry quickly too. I was recently told by a woman that "You don't seem like you get your feathers ruffled easily. I feel really calm and comfortable around you, and I think I could tell you anything." That calm, comfortable, tell me anything part will be great if I decide to see this 'become a therapist' thing to the end . . . the feather thing? I'm glad I appear that way outwardly. This skin? Penetrable.



I am truly afraid of not being good enough. The voice of the critic, the voice of insecurity in my head says things like: What if you aren't a good enough writer? What if you aren't a good enough student to earn a Doctorate? What if you aren't a good enough employee? What if you aren't a good enough friend? Why do you have to dominate conversations? Why did you have to eat that whole thing? Why can't you just control what you eat? Why are you so lazy? If you would just go to the gym! If you would just blahblahblahblahblahblah What if you aren't good enough at blahblahblahblahblah? All the time. The logical conclusion to all that chatter in my mind to my mind is that I'm not good enough. Not healthy, not skinny, not pretty, not likeable, certainly not someone people can love or want around, not friendly, not a good listener. It scares me to think about clicking "Publish Post" with this all out in the open like it is. But this whole section reminds me of the point. . . .



I let little things creep in and bite me. I try to ignore it. So it starts to gnaw at me. Once it starts to gnaw, I just let it eat at me. Before I know it I'm in a deep, dark, frozen hole in the ground. The sun doesn't shine on it. Nobody even walks close enough to it that they might notice the sad, frozen girl down there.



Today, and a few single times over the last few weeks, I've noticed a new place. It's not in the depths of The Pit, but it's not on the rim or safely away from The Pit either. It's like The Pit is suddenly less deep, and it's not so dark anymore . . . I don't think I have ever experienced the ascent gradually enough to get comfortable in a place like this and look around. It's always been one extreme or another.



I can clearly see the options:

I can dig in, let it take me again and keep me longer.

Or, I can keep looking for more information about myself while I'm in here.





Because it's not ABOUT happy or not happy lately. It's about all the questions I haven't been asking myself. The next one is: Why is my greatest insecurity about not being good enough?

I like this piece of artwork. It has the same buried in the Earth feeling that I get from The Pit, but with more hope . . . (I really struggle with this aspect of writing because I want to explain what I see so the reader understands that I see 'human growth' in this image and mention that you know . . . that's totally the idea I was going for. My worry would be that instead of seeing the hope I'm starting to feel, they would misinterpret why I chose to use this image and see the pit instead of the way out. . . . but I think Stephen King was right when he said: "Description begins in the writer’s imagination, but should finish in the reader’s." Maybe next time I'll just say nothing at all, and if the reader doesn't get it, it doesn't really mean anything to me it's really just too bad for them that they don't catch my drift . . . this picture looks like the way out to me) Again, I wish I knew who to credit with it's creation.


*I refuse to admit to suffering a chemical imbalance called depression, but I would be lying if I didn't say I got depressed, and what else do you call it? I know, it's sort of dysfunctional.

Change of Perception

I would like to change my thinking from: "If only . . . then I will be happy, and if I can get happy again and hang onto it, then I will be happy. Now all I have to do is learn how to keep this feeling of happy"

Maybe happiness is like a butterfly, delicate, fragile. If you keep it in a jar, it will die from starvation, suffocation, and of a broken spirit. If you let it go, it will fly away, freedom is worth living for. Butterflies don't live long, but their lives are beautiful, they are free spirits, full of grace.

The jar is the perception that happiness is a thing to get, have, and keep.

Today I had a change of perception about a situation that has been miserable for months. I created this reality and I realize now, with the help of friends, that it never was about me. It seems so obvious now, but for MONTHS I allowed my every day to be coloured a dark shade of ugly. I just wanted it to go away so I could be happy. I think this realization has helped me to start better understanding what was meant by saying: "Happiness is a journey, not a destination"

I want to set a goal, to practice thinking more along these lines:

My destination is self, happiness is what can be found along the way. I want to know and understand myself. Where did these habits come from, the ones I consider bad? What do they mean to me? I want to take Sallie's words to heart and learn to love my shadows instead of trying to change them. What discourages me? What hurts me? Does the critic ever start speaking quietly? And if she does, can I tell her to pipe down before she takes charge?

I feel like I am repeating myself, but I feel better this evening I hope that documenting more of my thoughts and feelings, rather than the events that create them will help me recognize some of my pitfalls. I'm not going to tell myself, or you that this revelation is going to be the solution . . . that I believe I have found the secret to creating a happy life, but I will say that I think this is going to be a corner piece on the border of this puzzle. The life and happiness enigma.

. . . and we're talkin' one of those 500,000,000 piece puzzles that sit on the coffee table for infinite amounts of time before they finally come together.