Last december I had some tremendous break-throughs; you probably remember the lists of things I wanted to do and be and have. You probably remember 'justification for inaction' and my desire for bathtub products that make the body smell like birthday cake.
Here I am . . . winter coming soon, and while all of those goals and feelings still resonate - still belong to me, I don't feel like that girl right now.
In May while I was in Seattle on my business trip, Doug was saying really sweet things to me. I was so excited to get back home to see him. The details are fuzzy now, but we have been inseparable since I got home. It feels so comfortable to be in a serious committed relationship with him and I have never been more sure of anything in my life than I am of my relationship.
I don't have a lot of experience in relationships with good men, but I'm struggling a little. I don't want to be anywhere but where he is. I go to work, I meet up with Doug, we stay at his house or go to mine, we make fabulous dinners, and then we go to bed together. It is absolutely blissful. Now is find the balance time . . . Since May, I don't write, I don't sew, I don't make hair fascinators, I don't see my friends regularly.
I went to Burning Man again this year and spent most of the week heart broken because Doug wasn't with me. My friends did their very best to pull me out of the shell, but I felt disoriented and mostly refused. I spent almost the entire burn in camp. I had a great time when I did go out with my friends, but I did not take full advantage of the opportunity given. No catharsis. I learned that I don't want to figure out my life without Doug.
It fills my heart to the brim when I think that I have found the right partner for my life. I feel so secure and safe, so delighted, so loved.
But the path??? It's obscured by the gooey, gooey love among other things. We are too busy making eyes at one another to look at much else.
The other things are the same impulse control issues I've always had . . . though now they are easier to identify. Margo says that I need to put my priorities in order and make all my decisions in accordance with those priorities. She's right, and this is how to get back on the path.
It feels like they haven't changed much:
Better money management so I can get out of debt . . . this would give me the freedom to pick up and move away from SLC if the opportunity were to arise. Doug and I both want to live closer to his little boy in Colorado Springs.
Better relationship with food and my compulsions toward eating . . . would improve my self-esteem immediately. It would help me get healthy, lose weight, be more active. I want to learn to rock climb, I want to spend my summer on the river, in the mountains, and in the desert. I want more energy, more stamina, more endurance.
Better time management would help me be a more successful student and employee.
I feel like it has to do with discipline . . . something I've never had much of.
I don't want to be a victim of my own lack of impulse control anymore.
