It's Resolution Time - I want my body to feel good.

I am Happy!!! and when I am happy, I don't write as regularly about my feelings. This doesn't really surprise me because happiness generally comes with less analyzation than usual. BUT . . .

I had a pretty serious break-through a few weekends ago with the aid of a friend. So incredible in fact that it keeps coming up for me over and over again. He asked me a question after hearing out one of my problems:

What is the pay-off?

and insisted that I not take "I don't know" for an answer from myself.

This question has seeped into a lot of areas of my life and even though I haven't really focused on the question, or finding the answers, I have pondered it on several occasions. I'd like to dedicate this post to my resolutions for the new year:

I have always kind of hated the tradition of setting resolutions. I have never been any good at keeping them . . . sometimes I fail to even start trying, something that has not been very good for my self-esteem. Some resolutions I set, but didn't succeed with are:

1. Eat a healthy diet *roughly translated, this means: no junk food, more nutrition, no soda, no mindless indulgence eating or absent minded eating, no eating out of boredom, etc.

2. Get regular excersize *which means . . . LOSE WEIGHT, like . . . 10-20 pounds of it.

3. Don't stay up too late, repeatedly.

4. Stop Procrastinating on EVERYTHING.

5. Keep my goals.

I've been going about this all wrong.

and this is the part where I want to quit. I realize it's 10 to Midnight, I see my therapist in the morning at 8:00 and I regularly blow her off because I forget. But the reason not to quit is because this is the part where I get the answers.

I know that "Eat Healthy" doesn't work, because it encompasses so many little things for me. I know that there are under-lying issues to my relationship with food . . . I think there are under-lying issues to why I don't excersize, why I procrastinate, and why I don't really keep the goals I set. I think it comes back to that insecurity of mine -- I'm not going to be good enough, so I'm not going to start, or try very hard because if I fail, there will be proof that I'm not good enough. That I can't do it.

Before I go on, I want to clarify that the 'voices' in my head . . . are aspects of my personality that I've been able to identify. They aren't actually voices. I'm not delusional, I'm not hallucinating, and I'm not an ellusive 'Multiple Personality' or a Schizophrenic. . .

I think I've mentioned Critic to you before. She's the voice that usually speaks the loudest. The Egoic part of me that believes everything is about her. She's the one that sets us up for failure, reminds us we aren't good enough, she's the one that runs the bull-shit, she's the one who thinks: 'not good enough'. I'm ready to talk about Little Sweetie. That's me. Little Sweetie knows that Critic is trying to keep her safe; protect her from the blows, but Little Sweetie doesn't really know what she can do because . . . she's never tried and trying seems terribly frightening.

So go on, ask me? What's the pay-off for failing at these goals???? I laugh to myself because the answer is Justification for Inaction. If I don't try, I can't fail. If I don't commit, I don't have to hold myself accountable to myself.

I want to start small this year. I have groceries in my fridge to make the risotto that I've always wanted to try. There is this great website called recipezaar.com that allows you to narrow down the recipes by whatever criteria you choose. Instead of eating healthy, I want to learn how to make my favorite dishes. Cooking has never been very exciting for me and that is part of the reason I opt for convenience so often.

I already go to a yoga class on Monday night. I resolve to keep going. I already know that I really enjoy the treadmill and the eliptical machine, and the stationary bike. I already have access to that equipment in the building I work in. I resolve to get 30 minutes of cardio three times a week.

That's all :) and I've put it on my calendar.

P.S. I gave my room a make-over. Here's a picture of half of it :)

Dollar

I had a dream a few nights ago that my 22 year old mare wandered around until she found a good place to lie down and die.

A list . . . It's of great importance and is to be prioritized at a later time.

1. I want to own a really good and wonderful cat sometime in the upcoming future. I plan to select this feline very, very carefully. It will be the perfect one for me.
2. There is this really beautiful and sweet Cocker Spaniel named Sassy. I like to call her Sassafrass or Sassafrassiieeee. I really, really, really want to create or find a good home for the little darling. I am thinking about putting out the call because I really want to commit to her, but I think I will need help.
3. Learn a romantic language . . . I REALLY want to make language my craft, my artwork, my gift. I want to play with it, bend the rules and write things that make the mouth water to read. . . . Italian first I think, then Pablo Naruda's Spanish poetry.
4. I really want to learn how to give back to the community that loves me. To give it more of what makes it flourish and bloom. And THEN learn how to share it with others in a way they will understand . . . welcome to my side of life . . . it's glittery here, with neon lights, some dust . . . there's really a lot of misunderstood artwork out there, check it out.
5. I want to meet an elephant. In the environment they feel most comfortable. Touch its skin and apologize for all the violence that has been committed against their little tribes.
6. Go on a RIVER RAFTING EPIC ADVENTURE FOR BEGINNERS with Barbara, her husband Spencer, and the whole crew of people that are interested in taking their first trip down the river.
7. costumes, Costumes, COSTUMES.
8. More self actualization, but ask some questions and get some feed-back. Read those books already, and take the forum.
9. Take a new approach to my education and get out of it what I truly desire.
10. Take better care of my body . . . stop doing violence to it (no zit picking, healthy foods, nutrients, sunlight, drink more water, take a bath with delectable crystally bath salts or something treasures that make me feel like fluffy pink birthday cake when I get out . . . with rich butter cream frosting).
11. Write some Love letters.
12. Create a new relationship with food for myself.
13. Find the job that was truly meant for me when the time is right . . .
14. Allow myself the FREEDOM to really go after my ideals. <3


There's more . . . a lot more, but I think this is the basics for now.

Some major themes are:
Justification for In-Action . . . what is that about?
Violence in our lives, inflicted on us by ourselves, our loved-ones, strangers, friends . . . I think there is a lot more of it than most of us see or experience with any awareness at all.
What can be channeled and are you sure you want it???
What is that religion thing all about?
What is the proper etiquette to fart in public, or other confined spaces . . . and how can it be made groovy to have a body that functions in ways that we are not aware of . . . find comfort.