Saturday, February 14, 2009
And to add insult to injury - self repairing plastic
http://blog.wired.com/cars/2008/05/airplane-heal-t.html
Works Cited - Plastic Ocean
Works Cited
Algalita Marine Research Foundation 10 Dec 2008, 02 Feb 2009
http://www.algalita.org
Casey, Susan “Our Oceans Are Turning Into Plastic” Best Life Magazine 05 Feb. 2009
http://www.bestlife.co.za/articles/health_and_fitness/52
Greenpeace “Ocean plastic pollution and how you can help” 30 Oct 2006, 02 Feb 2009 http://oceans.greenpeace.org/en/the-expedition/news/trashing-our-oceans
Moore, Captain Charles “Navigating the Pacific’s ‘Garbage Patch.’” Interview. All Things Considered. NPR. 28 Oct 2007 Interviewer Unknown. Personal Interview. 02 Feb 2009.
Moore, Captain Charles. “Trashed: Across the Pacific Ocean, plastics, plastics, everywhere” Natural History Magazine 02 Feb 2009. http://www.naturalhistorymag.com/master.html?http://www.naturalhistorymag.com/1103/1103_feature.html
U.S. Environmental Protection Agency. 6 Nov 2008. 02 Feb 2009
http://www.epa.gov/osw/conserve/materials/plastics.htm
VBS.TV. 02 Feb 2009 http://www.vbs.tv/video.php?id=1485308505#Scene_1
Algalita Marine Research Foundation 10 Dec 2008, 02 Feb 2009
http://www.algalita.org
Casey, Susan “Our Oceans Are Turning Into Plastic” Best Life Magazine 05 Feb. 2009
http://www.bestlife.co.za/articles/health_and_fitness/52
Greenpeace “Ocean plastic pollution and how you can help” 30 Oct 2006, 02 Feb 2009 http://oceans.greenpeace.org/en/the-expedition/news/trashing-our-oceans
Moore, Captain Charles “Navigating the Pacific’s ‘Garbage Patch.’” Interview. All Things Considered. NPR. 28 Oct 2007 Interviewer Unknown. Personal Interview. 02 Feb 2009.
Moore, Captain Charles. “Trashed: Across the Pacific Ocean, plastics, plastics, everywhere” Natural History Magazine 02 Feb 2009. http://www.naturalhistorymag.com/master.html?http://www.naturalhistorymag.com/1103/1103_feature.html
U.S. Environmental Protection Agency. 6 Nov 2008. 02 Feb 2009
http://www.epa.gov/osw/conserve/materials/plastics.htm
VBS.TV. 02 Feb 2009 http://www.vbs.tv/video.php?id=1485308505#Scene_1
Plastic Ocean - Report, Intermediate Writing
Trieste Palmer
Briggs
English 2010
Thursday, February 12, 2009
You’ve probably heard the term ‘plastic ocean’ and you’ve probably heard that it’s ‘serious’, ‘the size of Texas’, ‘twice the size of Texas’. Do you believe it? More importantly, can you do something about it?
The first time I heard about the Pacific Gyre in 2006, I imagined soda bottle caps, Barbie shoes, plastic forks, cups, and plastic grocery sacks. I wondered why it sounded so serious, couldn’t we just get out there and clean it up? I started to do some research and found an article about a man named Captain Charles Moore and that led me to a 12 part video called Toxic Garbage Island on VBS TV’s website.
Picture: Animated map showing the journey garbage takes from the beaches to the gyres of the ocean. From Greenpeace 30 Oct 2006,
All the things I had imagined are present, but the problem was much bigger and more difficult to solve than I had realized. I also began to wonder why I had never heard of this before.
So What is The Problem?
Charles Moore is the man who discovered the ‘plastic ocean’ in 1997 when he decided to sail a less traveled route from Hawaii to Los Angeles, CA. He was interviewed by NPR for a show called All Things Considered on October 28, 2007 and it turns out that I wasn’t the only one who wanted to know: “Why can’t you just sort of sweep through, scoop it up, and get rid of it?” (Interviewer’s name Unknown) His answer is alarming:
If the entire Continental United States had a million plastic particles per square mile, how would you propose to remove that from the entire surface area of the United States? Now, imagine a medium in which, not only would you have to remove it from the surface like you would if it was on land, but where our trawls indicate it’s prevalent down to over 100 feet.
The sheer size of the mess is only half of the problem. Plastic is made up of monomers, a molecule that can be combined with other molecules that form a polymer. Polymers can be found in things like diamonds, and graphite as well as silly putty and foods that contain complex carbohydrates like starch and cellulose. At the molecular level, a polymer looks like a string of beads.
To make plastic, various polymers are broken back down to monomers using a heat process; the recombination of various monomers make-up the different types of plastic. You could say that these polymers are no longer ‘natural’.
Types of Plastics
HDPE High-density polyethylene (i.e., milk jugs)
LDPE Low-density polyethylene
LLDPE Linear low-density polyethylene
PET Polyethylene terephthalate (i.e., soda bottles)
PP Polypropylene (i.e., long underwear)
PS Polystyrene (i.e., packaging "peanuts")
PVC Polyvinyl chloride (i.e., pipes)
Table from U.S. Environmental Protection Agency. 6 Nov 2008. 02 Feb 2009
Plastic has changed nearly every aspect of the way human beings live. Its relative indestructibility makes it the perfect way to transport food, beverages, and innumerable other products. It is the same indestructibility that creates the major part of the problem. There are few if any organisms that can actually digest, that is to say, destroy plastic; most of it is broken down into its most basic polymers by ultraviolet radiation and solar heat in a process called photodegredation. These polymers make up the bulk of the plastic that has contaminated the ocean.
No one can say with certainty how long plastics will last in the environment. We will just have to wait and see. The first synthetic plastic, Bakelite, was invented in 1907. Pieces of Bakelite are still structurally sound after more than a century. Our best guess is that, like diamonds, plastic is forever. – Algalita.com FAQ
It seems like we are presented with an unsolvable dilemma. The garbage can be removed from beaches around the world, but there is no way to remove that much ‘confetti’ from the ocean without causing irreversible damage to the marine life.
What’s The Harm?
Photo by Cynthia Vanderlip. From Moore, Captain Charles. “Trashed: Across the Pacific Ocean, plastics, plastics, everywhere” Natural History Magazine 02 Feb 2009.
It seems like the plastic soup out there is just a big ugly mess, but is it more dangerous than that? The answer is yes, aside from being an eyesore, the plastic confetti floating in the oceans is often mistaken for natural food sources. Jellyfish mistake it for plankton, sea turtles mistake plastic bags for jellyfish, and Albatross birds often fly hundreds of miles to find whatever food they can for their young. This information left me wondering who would feed their child a plastic bottle cap if they knew that it would cause starvation?
Photo from Algalita Marine Research Foundation 10 Dec 2008, 02 Feb 2009
Plastic is known for its ability to attract oily substances. That means that it also soaks up POPs (persistent organic pollutants) that make it into the fish that make it onto our dinner plates. Chemicals like DDT and PCB which, to name a few problems, are known to cause birth defects and damage to the nervous and immune systems.
How can I help?
It is estimated that each American throws away 48 kilograms of plastic each year; That’s 105.6 pounds of plastic per person. If the oceans are downhill from everything else the implication is that any wayward garbage that makes it into the rivers, because of major storms or minor negligence, will eventually end up washed out to sea. The best thing we can do is to keep as much plastic from the waste stream as possible by reducing the amount of it we use. Here are a few suggestions:
Imagine how many polystyrene take-out containers could be saved on Valentine’s Day if every person who went out to eat that night slipped their own container for leftovers into their purse or briefcase.
Imagine how many plastic bags could be kept out of the trash cycle if each person used their own bags for their groceries, or used Tupperware instead of Ziploc bags. The grocery bags I use have long enough handles that I can put them on my shoulders. That saves me the mad dash to the door with heavy armloads of plastic grocery sacks.
I would like to close by making a comparison. A responsible pet owner takes into consideration that most dogs live to be at least 10 years old. They must consider if they are willing to commit their resources to a dog for at least that long before they get one.
A responsible consumer would consider the lifespan of a plastic water bottle before purchasing one. You could purchase one 32oz bottle of your favorite water for roughly $2.50; after its one-time-use is up, it will spend centuries on the planet. You could also spend $7.00 on a 32oz BPA free bottle with a screw on cap and refill it over and over again for the rest of a lifetime. I wonder how much money could be saved?
Briggs
English 2010
Thursday, February 12, 2009
You’ve probably heard the term ‘plastic ocean’ and you’ve probably heard that it’s ‘serious’, ‘the size of Texas’, ‘twice the size of Texas’. Do you believe it? More importantly, can you do something about it?
The first time I heard about the Pacific Gyre in 2006, I imagined soda bottle caps, Barbie shoes, plastic forks, cups, and plastic grocery sacks. I wondered why it sounded so serious, couldn’t we just get out there and clean it up? I started to do some research and found an article about a man named Captain Charles Moore and that led me to a 12 part video called Toxic Garbage Island on VBS TV’s website.
Picture: Animated map showing the journey garbage takes from the beaches to the gyres of the ocean. From Greenpeace 30 Oct 2006,
All the things I had imagined are present, but the problem was much bigger and more difficult to solve than I had realized. I also began to wonder why I had never heard of this before.
So What is The Problem?
Charles Moore is the man who discovered the ‘plastic ocean’ in 1997 when he decided to sail a less traveled route from Hawaii to Los Angeles, CA. He was interviewed by NPR for a show called All Things Considered on October 28, 2007 and it turns out that I wasn’t the only one who wanted to know: “Why can’t you just sort of sweep through, scoop it up, and get rid of it?” (Interviewer’s name Unknown) His answer is alarming:
If the entire Continental United States had a million plastic particles per square mile, how would you propose to remove that from the entire surface area of the United States? Now, imagine a medium in which, not only would you have to remove it from the surface like you would if it was on land, but where our trawls indicate it’s prevalent down to over 100 feet.
The sheer size of the mess is only half of the problem. Plastic is made up of monomers, a molecule that can be combined with other molecules that form a polymer. Polymers can be found in things like diamonds, and graphite as well as silly putty and foods that contain complex carbohydrates like starch and cellulose. At the molecular level, a polymer looks like a string of beads.
To make plastic, various polymers are broken back down to monomers using a heat process; the recombination of various monomers make-up the different types of plastic. You could say that these polymers are no longer ‘natural’.
Types of Plastics
HDPE High-density polyethylene (i.e., milk jugs)
LDPE Low-density polyethylene
LLDPE Linear low-density polyethylene
PET Polyethylene terephthalate (i.e., soda bottles)
PP Polypropylene (i.e., long underwear)
PS Polystyrene (i.e., packaging "peanuts")
PVC Polyvinyl chloride (i.e., pipes)
Table from U.S. Environmental Protection Agency. 6 Nov 2008. 02 Feb 2009
Plastic has changed nearly every aspect of the way human beings live. Its relative indestructibility makes it the perfect way to transport food, beverages, and innumerable other products. It is the same indestructibility that creates the major part of the problem. There are few if any organisms that can actually digest, that is to say, destroy plastic; most of it is broken down into its most basic polymers by ultraviolet radiation and solar heat in a process called photodegredation. These polymers make up the bulk of the plastic that has contaminated the ocean.
No one can say with certainty how long plastics will last in the environment. We will just have to wait and see. The first synthetic plastic, Bakelite, was invented in 1907. Pieces of Bakelite are still structurally sound after more than a century. Our best guess is that, like diamonds, plastic is forever. – Algalita.com FAQ
It seems like we are presented with an unsolvable dilemma. The garbage can be removed from beaches around the world, but there is no way to remove that much ‘confetti’ from the ocean without causing irreversible damage to the marine life.
What’s The Harm?
Photo by Cynthia Vanderlip. From Moore, Captain Charles. “Trashed: Across the Pacific Ocean, plastics, plastics, everywhere” Natural History Magazine 02 Feb 2009.
It seems like the plastic soup out there is just a big ugly mess, but is it more dangerous than that? The answer is yes, aside from being an eyesore, the plastic confetti floating in the oceans is often mistaken for natural food sources. Jellyfish mistake it for plankton, sea turtles mistake plastic bags for jellyfish, and Albatross birds often fly hundreds of miles to find whatever food they can for their young. This information left me wondering who would feed their child a plastic bottle cap if they knew that it would cause starvation?
Photo from Algalita Marine Research Foundation 10 Dec 2008, 02 Feb 2009
Plastic is known for its ability to attract oily substances. That means that it also soaks up POPs (persistent organic pollutants) that make it into the fish that make it onto our dinner plates. Chemicals like DDT and PCB which, to name a few problems, are known to cause birth defects and damage to the nervous and immune systems.
How can I help?
It is estimated that each American throws away 48 kilograms of plastic each year; That’s 105.6 pounds of plastic per person. If the oceans are downhill from everything else the implication is that any wayward garbage that makes it into the rivers, because of major storms or minor negligence, will eventually end up washed out to sea. The best thing we can do is to keep as much plastic from the waste stream as possible by reducing the amount of it we use. Here are a few suggestions:
Imagine how many polystyrene take-out containers could be saved on Valentine’s Day if every person who went out to eat that night slipped their own container for leftovers into their purse or briefcase.
Imagine how many plastic bags could be kept out of the trash cycle if each person used their own bags for their groceries, or used Tupperware instead of Ziploc bags. The grocery bags I use have long enough handles that I can put them on my shoulders. That saves me the mad dash to the door with heavy armloads of plastic grocery sacks.
I would like to close by making a comparison. A responsible pet owner takes into consideration that most dogs live to be at least 10 years old. They must consider if they are willing to commit their resources to a dog for at least that long before they get one.
A responsible consumer would consider the lifespan of a plastic water bottle before purchasing one. You could purchase one 32oz bottle of your favorite water for roughly $2.50; after its one-time-use is up, it will spend centuries on the planet. You could also spend $7.00 on a 32oz BPA free bottle with a screw on cap and refill it over and over again for the rest of a lifetime. I wonder how much money could be saved?
Monday, February 09, 2009
What am I doing?
I'm having mild freak-out. . . This is that moment in my life where I've got a million responsibilities and just as many choices to make and they've all got eight times that many possible outcomes.
I know I can do this. I know I can be a full-time student and keep a full-time job. I just feel like every moment not working or studying is wasted. The semester is in full-swing and it's never good to miss an entire week during the first month because it means the weeks following it are that much more complicated. I am several writing assignments behind, but I'm writing about things I feel passionate about. I don't want to wake up at the end of another semester wondering why I didn't take that class for personal gain instead of the grade or the degree. I will be able to say I put myself through college with very little help when this is over, but I also want to say with all honesty and sincerity that I found myself while doing it.
What will I gain out of Women's Studies beside a better knowledge of what the women who came before me accomplished, and an English elective??? Hopefully a better understanding about my relationship with my body, with food, with my education, with my ideas about what kind of family I want to create and raise, what kind of career I want, and what kind of woman I am. My film class will make me a better writer. My Intermediate Writing class will make me a better writer, but what will I learn about myself in the process? I don't know yet. The reason the prospect is so disorienting and uncomfortable is because inevitably . . . a lot of it will be the damage in me.
I'm kind of intimidated by my choices. I know that I am an incredible woman . . . incredibly talented, compassionate, intuitive, intelligent, capable, powerful, blabhalbhalbhalkbha;lkjdf these things are all important to me, but WHY have I not opened up and done what I believe I am capable of? Why do I half-ass as much as I do? Why is half-assed good enough to continually earn A's and B's? To continually be told by my colleagues that I've done a good job at work? That they can't do it without me? And that they would ask me not to leave them? Why do I feel like, even though I am successfull most of the time, that what I'm doing isn't good enough? That I haven't given it my all, that this isn't the best I can do?
Could it be that I just haven't invested love into my life? I don't mean loving myself (which I am always working on) . . . I mean putting love into my job, and my education. Is this what is missing?
I want all the answers, and I want them right now, and I want more time in the day to discover them!!!! I wish I did not require sleep.
I wonder what it would be like to live an uncomplicated life . . . what it would be like to have my life governed by one set of rules or beliefs that provided all the answers about who I am and what I'm doing here, what I am capable of . . . what is right or wrong or true and beautiful. A set of unchanging, un-evolving rules. Simple, trusting, faith in something. . . these things are something I have never had in all my life. The thing I have trusting faith in is myself, and change. Change that comes as soon as I am comfortable with something. I just wish it were easier to adapt to.
50 years from now, I want to look back and remember the woman I am now and wonder who I've become and who I will be... I wonder what it would be like if I wasn't on a life-long journey of self actualization, but I would not trade my enlightenment for the pleasure of simplicity in every waking moment of my life. I don't know if I will ever really know myself and tonight that is one of the most terrifying thoughts I've ever had. Almost as terrifying as thinking . . . . I don't want to.
This turmoil, these tumultuous moments, the distress and uncertainty, the complete anguish, the uncomfortable, and unhappy times of my life make it so rich and warm and valuable that I could never and I will never stop looking for more of myself.
I know I can do this. I know I can be a full-time student and keep a full-time job. I just feel like every moment not working or studying is wasted. The semester is in full-swing and it's never good to miss an entire week during the first month because it means the weeks following it are that much more complicated. I am several writing assignments behind, but I'm writing about things I feel passionate about. I don't want to wake up at the end of another semester wondering why I didn't take that class for personal gain instead of the grade or the degree. I will be able to say I put myself through college with very little help when this is over, but I also want to say with all honesty and sincerity that I found myself while doing it.
What will I gain out of Women's Studies beside a better knowledge of what the women who came before me accomplished, and an English elective??? Hopefully a better understanding about my relationship with my body, with food, with my education, with my ideas about what kind of family I want to create and raise, what kind of career I want, and what kind of woman I am. My film class will make me a better writer. My Intermediate Writing class will make me a better writer, but what will I learn about myself in the process? I don't know yet. The reason the prospect is so disorienting and uncomfortable is because inevitably . . . a lot of it will be the damage in me.
I'm kind of intimidated by my choices. I know that I am an incredible woman . . . incredibly talented, compassionate, intuitive, intelligent, capable, powerful, blabhalbhalbhalkbha;lkjdf these things are all important to me, but WHY have I not opened up and done what I believe I am capable of? Why do I half-ass as much as I do? Why is half-assed good enough to continually earn A's and B's? To continually be told by my colleagues that I've done a good job at work? That they can't do it without me? And that they would ask me not to leave them? Why do I feel like, even though I am successfull most of the time, that what I'm doing isn't good enough? That I haven't given it my all, that this isn't the best I can do?
Could it be that I just haven't invested love into my life? I don't mean loving myself (which I am always working on) . . . I mean putting love into my job, and my education. Is this what is missing?
I want all the answers, and I want them right now, and I want more time in the day to discover them!!!! I wish I did not require sleep.
I wonder what it would be like to live an uncomplicated life . . . what it would be like to have my life governed by one set of rules or beliefs that provided all the answers about who I am and what I'm doing here, what I am capable of . . . what is right or wrong or true and beautiful. A set of unchanging, un-evolving rules. Simple, trusting, faith in something. . . these things are something I have never had in all my life. The thing I have trusting faith in is myself, and change. Change that comes as soon as I am comfortable with something. I just wish it were easier to adapt to.
50 years from now, I want to look back and remember the woman I am now and wonder who I've become and who I will be... I wonder what it would be like if I wasn't on a life-long journey of self actualization, but I would not trade my enlightenment for the pleasure of simplicity in every waking moment of my life. I don't know if I will ever really know myself and tonight that is one of the most terrifying thoughts I've ever had. Almost as terrifying as thinking . . . . I don't want to.
This turmoil, these tumultuous moments, the distress and uncertainty, the complete anguish, the uncomfortable, and unhappy times of my life make it so rich and warm and valuable that I could never and I will never stop looking for more of myself.
Saturday, February 07, 2009
What are all these chemicals???
Pampers makes some wipes that I happen to like because they smell good and are a texture that doesn't pill or come apart . . . Kandoo is what they are called and they are meant for kids in potty training. They have Water, Xanthan Gum, triglycerides and benzyl alcohol and sodium hydroxymethylglycinate (to name a few with familiar and unfamiliar names), but the one that really gets me is . . . . Hydrogenated Castor Oil . . . hydrogenated oil??? SERIOUSLY???
I do not want to use things on my body anymore without knowing exactly what they are. Does it even occur to people what they are rubbing into their skin? Colour me enlightened.
I will write about my diet in a future update.
I do not want to use things on my body anymore without knowing exactly what they are. Does it even occur to people what they are rubbing into their skin? Colour me enlightened.
I will write about my diet in a future update.
Relationships
I am sitting in feelings deep and hard to see through like mud but smooth like honey.
I just got back from San Diego where I attended a convention that the company I work for holds annually. The experiences I had last week reminded me that my job is about the people. Convention couldn't have come at a better time; it has left me reinvested and very excited about my part.
I don't want to lose sight of the people again. One of my owners told me that I will go so far in my life, she could just see it and she knows these things :) Then she said . . . 'but don't leave us'. I was kind of shocked. I regularly fail to give myself credit where it is due. I'm sure my facial expression didn't indicate, but she warmed my heart and soul. She breathed life back into my job. She was only one of many. I want to sit in this feeling for a while, and then I want to give it back to the rest of my department. I want to help them feel what I feel because we all need it.
Armed with this feeling of satisfaction, this week has been wonderful and stressful and exhausting and rewarding and full of anxiety and nervousness and calm and relaxed feelings and love of all surprising things.
I'm about three weeks into my first full-time semester (14 credit hours) and the deadlines are all very intimidating. Some days I feel like I've bitten off more than I can chew . . . which leads my mind to chattering about how I'm not good enough, I can't do this, what was I thinking. Other days I've got myself and I am doing so wonderfully. I just wish I had a little more support and encouragement. ~Something I don't know how to ask for, especially because I don't know what it looks like. I only understand how I want to feel.
It's also time to move . . . any moment now. It's bitter sweet. I like this apartment and had envisioned living here indefinitely. Funny thing is that the home I'm moving into looks and feels a lot more like the place I had envisioned for myself years ago . . . the first time I visited the home of someone renting in the Avenues of Salt Lake City. I'll be glad renting a room from friends. Rent seems like it is such a waste unless the landlord is someone I care about. I am excited to pack up my life, trim some fat, move it pieces at a time to a new room and unpack and rearrange it. I'm a little disappointed to leave my room mate. I struggle with things this permanent . . . . I will never live here again and I liked living here. I wonder what that's really about for me.
Also . . . thought I was ready to try dating again . . . not so much. I mean, this time I'd like to be a little more forthright and make some choices instead of waiting to be chosen and then deciding if I will go on the date or not. However, it turns out that I am feeling more vulnerable about letting someone in than I thought. I'm in the 13th month since my break-up of a 21 month relationship. I'm sure this is normal, the feelings of vulnerability. I just want to know someone cares about me before I open up to them. I don't ever want to have to build walls around myself again. Fences give the right illusion, they keep us in and everyone else out. I don't think a healthy person (confident, secure) needs much more than that and I want my security system to look like a little picket fence with a cheery paint job.
The blues are not so bad. It turns out I haven't fallen into the pit . . . I'm just really close to it. I'm going to back away slowly by committing my weekend to writing. I think I will post my writing assignments for school in here. I invite your comments and criticism (constructive please) to those assignments as they come.
I just got back from San Diego where I attended a convention that the company I work for holds annually. The experiences I had last week reminded me that my job is about the people. Convention couldn't have come at a better time; it has left me reinvested and very excited about my part.
I don't want to lose sight of the people again. One of my owners told me that I will go so far in my life, she could just see it and she knows these things :) Then she said . . . 'but don't leave us'. I was kind of shocked. I regularly fail to give myself credit where it is due. I'm sure my facial expression didn't indicate, but she warmed my heart and soul. She breathed life back into my job. She was only one of many. I want to sit in this feeling for a while, and then I want to give it back to the rest of my department. I want to help them feel what I feel because we all need it.
Armed with this feeling of satisfaction, this week has been wonderful and stressful and exhausting and rewarding and full of anxiety and nervousness and calm and relaxed feelings and love of all surprising things.
I'm about three weeks into my first full-time semester (14 credit hours) and the deadlines are all very intimidating. Some days I feel like I've bitten off more than I can chew . . . which leads my mind to chattering about how I'm not good enough, I can't do this, what was I thinking. Other days I've got myself and I am doing so wonderfully. I just wish I had a little more support and encouragement. ~Something I don't know how to ask for, especially because I don't know what it looks like. I only understand how I want to feel.
It's also time to move . . . any moment now. It's bitter sweet. I like this apartment and had envisioned living here indefinitely. Funny thing is that the home I'm moving into looks and feels a lot more like the place I had envisioned for myself years ago . . . the first time I visited the home of someone renting in the Avenues of Salt Lake City. I'll be glad renting a room from friends. Rent seems like it is such a waste unless the landlord is someone I care about. I am excited to pack up my life, trim some fat, move it pieces at a time to a new room and unpack and rearrange it. I'm a little disappointed to leave my room mate. I struggle with things this permanent . . . . I will never live here again and I liked living here. I wonder what that's really about for me.
Also . . . thought I was ready to try dating again . . . not so much. I mean, this time I'd like to be a little more forthright and make some choices instead of waiting to be chosen and then deciding if I will go on the date or not. However, it turns out that I am feeling more vulnerable about letting someone in than I thought. I'm in the 13th month since my break-up of a 21 month relationship. I'm sure this is normal, the feelings of vulnerability. I just want to know someone cares about me before I open up to them. I don't ever want to have to build walls around myself again. Fences give the right illusion, they keep us in and everyone else out. I don't think a healthy person (confident, secure) needs much more than that and I want my security system to look like a little picket fence with a cheery paint job.
The blues are not so bad. It turns out I haven't fallen into the pit . . . I'm just really close to it. I'm going to back away slowly by committing my weekend to writing. I think I will post my writing assignments for school in here. I invite your comments and criticism (constructive please) to those assignments as they come.
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Ideas for my Burning Man billboards . . .
A few days ago, I had a serious conversation with a man who is fast becoming a friend of mine, he looked me in the eye, "It's busy in there isn't it?" My answer was "always". Later he told me I think too much or too hard . . . probably he said both.
Last May when I fell in with my jelly crew I learned something that is fundamental to me . . . when I'm busy and I feel like I've been productive, I don't have as much time to think too hard. This is good because it means less blue, bad because it means I'm not thinking about why so blue. --- I want to spend more time thinking about that and what it really means . . . not just what it implies about avoidance tactics :)
Also to think about are my billboards some of my ideas:
Last May when I fell in with my jelly crew I learned something that is fundamental to me . . . when I'm busy and I feel like I've been productive, I don't have as much time to think too hard. This is good because it means less blue, bad because it means I'm not thinking about why so blue. --- I want to spend more time thinking about that and what it really means . . . not just what it implies about avoidance tactics :)
Also to think about are my billboards some of my ideas:
- Mommy, where do batteries go when they die? - This one I don't like as much, but I can't get it out of my head. It's a good example of the kind of thinking I want this to inspire, but it's too campy for this particular plan.
- A picture of a big fish eating one that's just smaller, eating one just smaller, eating one just smaller, eating an open Nalgene, eating a fish just smaller, eating a plastic object a little smaller than that . . . with little pink barbie shoes representing plankton.
- Recycle symbol with four arrows instead of the normal three . . . RETHINK, Reduce, Reuse, Recycle . . . solid coloured back-ground with arrows that are either all one bright color (one that would be unusual for the recycle symbol like orange or hot pink), three that are a standard like blue or green with one orange or pink or what I think would be best would be four arrows made out of coloured debris . . . green soda bottles for one arrow, red plastic garbage, blue plastic garbage, etc. tacked onto the billboard all three dimensional style.
Sunday, February 01, 2009
An Old Familiar Friend
This looks like familiar territory. I'm feeling very vulnerable. I'm feeling panicked about school. I want to sell my car, bail on my apartment, quit my job, change my phone number and run away from everything I know. I feel alone, isolated, and unwanted.
This feeling first came up for me shortly after that experience in yoga class I had a week ago. I felt like thinking to myself that 'we need to break up' was a serious insight and I still do.
Last weekend I was surrounded by my friends, my little sister was there and I had been looking forward to that evening all week. I had a weird time. I felt strangely alone and isolated there too.
After the exhausting day I had yesterday dealing with leaving my cell phone on an airplane and running all over the airport by myself I spent the evening alone. I tried to watch Amelie but the subtitles were too much for me. I finally got to sleep. Then my little sister came over. She was out with friends and got back to my apartment kind of late. (I am incredibly glad that she came even though it woke me up. I slept better once she was settled in) It's just been a few things too many where I've felt like I didn't get what I needed. Even when I tried to ask.
I spent a good part of my day in the warehouse today. Barbara moves to Belize on the 18th of February with her husband and wanted to do another project with the Jellyfish before she left. I didn't feel like going, and once I did it was nice to be with my friends . . . but all I could do was talk to them about how vulnerable I feel and then sit with it. I'll be posting the pictures of the project on Facebook.
I know I can't be happy all the time and I do feel like I saw it coming, but it is incredibly unsettling to realize that the blues are back again.
I've had the opportunity to see some of my damage. Intimacy is terrifying to me. Especially when it comes to men. Even good men. I have a hard time answering the questions and it's terrifying when someone can read those fears in me and point them out. At least I know that 'intimacy' is the next thing to work on.
I don't like sleeping alone anymore. I will be so glad to be in a house with people who love me again and I can't wait to bring Sassy home there with me.
I feel like I'm naked, lying on the ground in the dark.
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