I'm ok.

Last night I lay down for shivasana after another, very intense yoga practice. I had been thinking to myself that I can’t do yoga, that because I couldn’t do all the poses well or correctly, I had wasted my time. I should have stayed at the coffee shop studying. Barbara instructed us to turn over to our side and pull our knees to our chest, arranging our bodies into the fetal position. I was trying not to cry, I can’t do this, why did I even come? She asked us to take a moment to thank ourselves for coming, for spending the time. The tears were gently streaming down my cheeks when I sat up and began to sob.

“It’s time for us to break-up” I thought, “I wouldn’t tolerate it if anyone spoke to me the way that you do, why should I tolerate it from myself.”

I wonder how many women have had a moment like this . . . A moment where it became painfully obvious that it was time to break up with themselves. I’ve made leaps and bounds, but knowing these things and changing these things are two separate things.

Barbara had us focusing on our base chakra last night . . . the red one . . . I tried to imagine things that were red while we were moving through the poses. Red . . . red like rubies, garnets, cherries, the tapestry hanging over the window, red light, red energy, red, flowing liquid, red blood pulsing through my body . . . it's always blood, it's blood that means life or death, blood is good, it means I've cleared out the infection of this zit, itchy means healing . . . I see my own blood almost daily. Violence. I draw blood regularly. Anger, hurt, destruction. Come back wandering mind, red base chakra . . . grounded, rooted, connected to the ground, to the earth. I should take a jar of playa sand to work. Red, swirling energy keeps me connected.

We had a department meeting at work today. This is going to sound vague, but I made a comment in response to something that was said . . . The comment has lots of layers about years past, certain survey results about us, and my own recent thoughts about the disconnect between my own reality and my own perception. (I mean obviously if I'm that terrible a student who procrastinates and wastes time and isn't good enough . . . how come I continually pull A's and B's? There's a significant disconnect there). (I want to be candid, but I am feeling vulnerable here too. Maybe it's all those warnings from dooce.com about writing about work in my blog.) I only meant to back up what was said . . . that it's never a bad idea to step up, to pull together, to work as a team, to do our due dilligence, and to carry ourselves as the professionals we are. Shan said that she hated to put me on the spot, but that I needed to give myself a break, she was worried about how hard I am on myself.

This came as a surprise to me. I have been comfortably riding a steady flow of good vibes for weeks and weeks. I'm tired, but I feel empowered about my semester, about moving to Summit Park, about mastering my finances, taking charge of my relationship with food, thinking about dating again . . . these are just the top things right now. I am changing my home environment because I don't like to be alone, and because I need the comfort of knowing that no matter what the positive direction I'm moving in is . . . I'll be supported. Even if it's weird.

My experience in yoga last night may be part of what made something visible enough for my friend to say something . . . but I still feel a little blind-sided. The conversation moved outside after our meeting and there is more I'd like to elaborate on tonight, but I still have to have a converstaion first.

I'm in the funk this evening. I have two writing assignments to hand in tomorrow and neither are written. I just don't have the energy to write the positive and empowering words I want to give my Women's Studies teacher.

I wish that the intervention I met with today had waited. I don't like it when people and events reach into me and pull my insecurities up to the surface of who I am. I liked them where they were . . . neatly compartmentalized, understood for the time being, put aside while I focused on creating better habits. I want to put my energy into doing the reading, writing the homework, practicing the recipes, keeping commitments to myself about what to spend my money on, what substances to ingest (no hydrogenated oils, and no high fructose corn syrup, etc). I am tired of not being good enough, and I felt like I made a significant leap into defeating that insecurity last night . . . to have it called to attention again, with an audience this time.

For the greater good of me, it was benificial. Every experience is a learning experience and I feel liberated because I got to tell most of my department today that I don't know how to ask for help. I got to hear that when they offer, I don't accept. I got to hear again from the people who have my back. I had to try not to barf for a minute though.

P.S. Why are men such an enigma?

How does one go about understanding the feminine and masculine qualities within herself? and How am I going to relate to men as I enter the dating world again?

Everything is so new!!!

In a million directions at once

Occasionally, I am not able to formulate the wordy and eloquent entries I like to write . . . today is one of those days . . and so, a list:

Even though the rules for this blog are to write about how I feel . . .

• Tonight is one of those nights that I could dance for hours. I cleaned up my bedroom a little bit. I am considering the incredible amount of reading/writing/studying I could/should do to prepare for next week. There is a baby shower for my cousin tomorrow. My mom wants me to test-ride a horse. All the effort of getting dressed, driving over there, and yadda yadda isn't really a big deal, but the cold is daunting. And at last, my inability to leave before anything is over. I want to stay in and read, and I want to go out and dance for the next 5 or 6 hours. I want to sleep tonight, not come home at 4:30 or 5:00 am tomorrow.
  
• I deserve some time to meditate, and a good night's rest. Why do I only allow myself this on the weekends when I am not obligated to be out of bed and at work before 9:00 AM
  
• I am excited to move to Summit Park with Jared and Amie. That will be happening sometime between Feb 1 - 14 depending on how things shake out with my current roommate. I like my current roommate and so it is bittersweet to leave this apartment. I am more excited to be in a new environment with people who I love who love me. Plus the potential opportunity to bring Sassy along.
• My horse is limping. Her shoulder is not doing well. My mom is not sure I will be able to use her for riding club next summer. She is moving ok until it's time to run . . . I'm hoping bute (like ibuprofen for horses), or cortisone shots will keep her sound. But my mom decided she would tell me about this injury and then show me the advertisement for a black and white paint, 9 year old gelding. My feelings got hurt. I had been dreading the words "might not be able to use her next summer" for the last 3 years. Sometimes she is not very sensitive to my tender little heart.
• I am worried about our planet. I'm worried that major corporations are going to destroy the Rain Forest in less than 20 years, that our oceans are poisoned and over-fished, that human beings are so greedy, and hungry for power and control that we are going to destroy ourselves before we realize how urgent these problems really are . . . I am sad about plastic in the ocean, pollution in the air and in the ground, I am sad about the mass-production of animals for meat, that they pasteurize almonds and cheese effectively removing everything good about them, cheese is basically colored, flavored, antibiotics, because the cows udders are so chapped, cracked, bleeding, and infected that they have to get pus and blood out of the milk . . . I wonder if mothers who have breast fed compare the two . . . dairy cows don't even have the lubrication of saliva . . .
  
• I am quite seriously considering taking my diet to the next level . . . I don't want to eat eggs and cheese. I don't want to drink milk. Fortunately this doesn't have to happen all at once, and there are acceptable substitutes for the things I'm afraid to give up (like mayonnaise).
• I am taking Women's Studies, Intermediate Writing, Computer Essentials, Film and Culture, and the Film teacher just added me to his production class . . . basically that means I'll show up at rehearsal sometimes and help with props for a few extra credits this semester. Fun, Busy, And new directions for me.
• Jelly crew is talking about creating an art installation called "Soundhenge" wherein we create a replica of Stonehenge and put speakers in various positions around it to create a surround sound experience . . . and then we will rock-out dressed like druids in the desert. I offered to be the 'people-manager' to help coordinate work parties, the fund raiser we will have to throw, etc.
• Wondering how many polystyrene take-out containers could have been saved in Salt Lake City alone tonight . . . if everyone who went out to eat in a restaurant took their own Tupperware for their left overs.
  
• A friend, Jen, and I are considering starting a student organization at Salt Lake Community College with concern to protecting our environment. There isn't a single one at the moment. I am turning into quite a little activist, and it's good.
• I am still conceptualizing my billboards for the burn this year, and will post my plans and drawings once this gets more concrete . . . I like to stew, process, and talk about my ideas before I start to actually plan the details. These plans include fliers to tape up inside the port-a-potties.
  
• Thinking about what my co-worker said today about artificial sweeteners, colors, and flavors causing mis-fire in the synapse of the brain. I think ADD could very well be a result of these things and I intend to eliminate as many of them as possible from my diet. Another co-worker can accurately identify the green and red M&M's, blind-folded.
  

Ok, so the rambly is done now, but . . . . For Heaven's Sake . . . please help me save our planet!!!

Oops, the tale of my hilarious office blunder

After about 5:00 pm in the office, the phone stops ringing, the emails slow down, and there are next to no distractions in the environment outside of my cubicle (pictures forthcoming). So on a day like yesterday, where I don't feel like I've been very productive, I like to stay late.

James left at 6:00 pm and I got my email down from over 100 to about 30. At 6:57 pm, Briawna called me to confirm our Gray's Anatomy plans. (you see, our Thursday night soap opera is one of the things that guarantees I will see my best friend at least once a week.) We decided to get burritos and realized between commute times and the last minute errand she needed to run that we would be in her living room right in the nick. I got up from my desk with a loaner electronic key to the door and went to the bathroom.

I went to the back-door to re-enter our office suite and my badge made the beep, but the clicking sound the door makes when the lock disengages, failed to sound off its duty. I tried again. No clicking, no entry. I went to the front door and tried it several times with no success.

I locked myself out of the office. I tried dialing a few extensions to see if anyone else had stayed as late as I had and it was quickly becoming apparent to me that I was the last out of the building . . . seriously locked out, with no one left to open the door for me. I went to look out the window on the back of the building and the

The good news was, that I was inside the building with my cell phone in my pocket; the bad news: I was wearing a tank-top and jeans, my blouse over the back of my chair. My coat hanging on the wall with my keys in the pocket, my purse on the floor, gaping open, my wallet on the desk next to my MP3 player, and most likely there was music playing in the headphones plugged into the jack on my computer which I had left un-locked. I called Briawna back.

I was feeling slightly concerned about my wallet and MP3 player, but I have no secrets to hide on my computer. I started to imagine weird scenarios: coming in this morning, looking like a grease-ball who is wearing yesterday's outfit, to get my keys. I was laughing out loud to myself in the empty, echoing lobby. I called Briawna again to let her know that yes, she probably should come get me I had tried all the people I could think of (of course I found out this morning that more than one person has a badge that will open the door at all hours) and I was not going to get back in.

I stood around for half an hour, looking at my reflection in the window, wondering how long till my friend arrived to rescue me and thinking that I'd be telling this story over and over again henceforth when suddenly a door downstairs opened.

I peeked over the banister at the gentleman coming up the stairs. When I saw a t-shirt and gym shorts I thought "that guy can't open the door either". . . .

"Boy am I glad to see you!" when I realized who it was . . . one of guys from IT coming up from the gym. I called Briawna to let her know I was in, she changed course, and I gathered my things to leave.

Free Will Astrology

I have incredibly mixed feelings about the whole deal of astrology. I don't believe that you can use astrology to predict the future. I don't believe that people should live their lives following the advice of a horoscope. I don't even think that most astrology offers reasonable, much less, good advice. But, the Salt Lake City Weekly has an Astrologer that I really enjoy. I occasionally use my City Weekly for movie listings, restaurant suggestions, to see who is going to be here in concert, but usually I flip right to the back to read what Rob Brezsny has to say to me this week. Plus . . . since I am right on the cusp of Aries and Taurus, I usually help myself to two servings. This week Rob says this:

Aries (March 21-April 19)
It's a great privilege to live in a free country. You're fortunate if you have the opportunity to pursue your dreams without having to ward off government interference or corporate brainwashing or religious fanaticism. But that's only partly useful if you have not yet won the most important struggle for liberation, which is the freedom from your own unconscious habits and conditioned responses. Becoming an independent agent who's not an unwitting slave to his or her past is one of the most heroic feats a human being can accomplish. And you, Aries, will have more mojo to do that in 2009 than you've had in a long time.

Doesn't this just resonate with last week's entry?

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
American financier Jim Rogers evaluates life as many devout capitalists do: under what circumstances can he achieve the most wealth? That's why he relocated to Singapore. "If you were smart in 1807, you moved to London," he said two years ago, "if you were smart in 1907, you moved to New York City, and if you are smart in 2007, you move to Asia." With that as your spur, Taurus, I'd like you to identify the driving force of your life. The desire for more money? More power? Wisdom? Love? Status? None of the above? The next step is to meditate on the environment and the conditions that would be most conducive to fulfilling your quest. In 2009, you'll have exceptional potential to create the ideal context for your success.

Now if you only knew about a most delightful offer that was made to me on Friday, you would be shitting your pants!!!

One day I had an upsetting break-up and I wished that day for new people in my life and I meet the Jelly Crew. I take an English class because I need to get it over with and I meet the first person in my life (who was a stranger) to tell me that I have it in me to write "If that's what you wanted to do," and I decide to switch majors to follow a dream I've had since I was a kid. I spend some time in a home that has the right sunlight, the right energy, the right smells, and the right friends and I can't leave because it just felt sooo good to be there. Within a matter of a months, I make some changes, start to get to know my roommate and think to myself for the first time in months . . . "I like the way my life in this apartment looks". But the thoughts still linger and before I even have a chance to say out-loud to someone that I would like to move out of the inversion and into the wet pine and fireplace smell of the mountains, I am offered a bedroom. Some reflection on this offer put a lot of priorities into perspective and before taking the time to regretfully decline, I get a phone call with a new offer . . .

I just want to say, that opportunity seems to knock most often, when I am happy with what I have already :)