I always have mixed feelings about new beginnings time. This beginning comes with: anger, happiness, fear, anxiety, optimism, hope, freedom, sadness, and especially relief.
I lost my job on Tuesday (3/9/10) because of some bad judgment calls which brought to light many little things that weren't so good about how I was doing my job. I understand that the choices made, were in the best interests of the company and business - especially in the current economic climate. My heart wasn't in it which made me a bad fit.
I am amazed at how many people have come out of the wood work to tell me how much they appreciated, respected, loved, and cared about me and how much they were going to miss me. I'm a little surprised about who hasn't contacted me, but I'm not invested in it. Part of me can't believe I didn't see all that love and friendship until now. I was pretty caught up in what was immediately obvious to me. For instance, the members of my department and I were not really friends outside of the office, though some of them were friends with each other. I usually felt left out and unaccepted. I have other bits of experience that hurt me very deeply, however it is not worth my energy to re-hash here.
I have hated that job for such a long time, saying things like: "it sucks out my soul". I'm glad that I no longer have to make any decisions about my employment there. I have some regret though. Like, the way my actions made my boss feel. I hope that one day we can both understand each other's point of view surrounding my termination. I really respect and admire her despite recent evidence to the contrary.
Now? I am kind of freaking out - wondering what exactly I am going to do. I don't think I will qualify for unemployment, and I don't think I can afford to be out of work much more than 3 - 4 weeks. I have no savings, and no credit, and no back-up plan. My boyfriend is also not working, collecting unemployment, and an occasional bit of extra money for odd jobs. I have a lot of safety nets between here and destitution - friends, family, etc. So I am not afraid, I'm just not sure what I will do next.
I've been daydreaming of making lattes in a coffee shop I love and going to school full-time. I'm excited for my life to change. My education has definitely taken a back-seat while I worked for this company. The work was incredibly demanding of my mental capacity - my days were spent in a constant critical think/problem solving mode and I had very little energy for school work.
This feels like the chance to make my education my first priority. If I can get it to work financially, that would be simply beautiful. I have a pretty solid idea of what I'd like to do with my life and the schooling will be very intensive. I can finish my undergrad in two semesters if I can go to school full-time (maybe three if I have to take more than two math classes). Perhaps I could get my BA in two years if I can do it full-time. I have my heart and mind set on a Ph.D.
I am also registered to participate in the Landmark Forum near the end of May - I committed to change my life and less than a week later I was canned from a job that I hated. I can't help but believe there is a higher power involved.
Doug thinks it was my Essential Self (as Martha Beck would call it) that kept me in bed last Wednesday. I think he's really on to something.
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