An Old Familiar Friend

This looks like familiar territory. I'm feeling very vulnerable. I'm feeling panicked about school. I want to sell my car, bail on my apartment, quit my job, change my phone number and run away from everything I know. I feel alone, isolated, and unwanted.

This feeling first came up for me shortly after that experience in yoga class I had a week ago. I felt like thinking to myself that 'we need to break up' was a serious insight and I still do.

Last weekend I was surrounded by my friends, my little sister was there and I had been looking forward to that evening all week. I had a weird time. I felt strangely alone and isolated there too.

After the exhausting day I had yesterday dealing with leaving my cell phone on an airplane and running all over the airport by myself I spent the evening alone. I tried to watch Amelie but the subtitles were too much for me. I finally got to sleep. Then my little sister came over. She was out with friends and got back to my apartment kind of late. (I am incredibly glad that she came even though it woke me up. I slept better once she was settled in) It's just been a few things too many where I've felt like I didn't get what I needed. Even when I tried to ask.

I spent a good part of my day in the warehouse today. Barbara moves to Belize on the 18th of February with her husband and wanted to do another project with the Jellyfish before she left. I didn't feel like going, and once I did it was nice to be with my friends . . . but all I could do was talk to them about how vulnerable I feel and then sit with it. I'll be posting the pictures of the project on Facebook.

I know I can't be happy all the time and I do feel like I saw it coming, but it is incredibly unsettling to realize that the blues are back again.

I've had the opportunity to see some of my damage. Intimacy is terrifying to me. Especially when it comes to men. Even good men. I have a hard time answering the questions and it's terrifying when someone can read those fears in me and point them out. At least I know that 'intimacy' is the next thing to work on.

I don't like sleeping alone anymore. I will be so glad to be in a house with people who love me again and I can't wait to bring Sassy home there with me.

I feel like I'm naked, lying on the ground in the dark.