Relationships

I am sitting in feelings deep and hard to see through like mud but smooth like honey.

I just got back from San Diego where I attended a convention that the company I work for holds annually. The experiences I had last week reminded me that my job is about the people. Convention couldn't have come at a better time; it has left me reinvested and very excited about my part.

I don't want to lose sight of the people again. One of my owners told me that I will go so far in my life, she could just see it and she knows these things :) Then she said . . . 'but don't leave us'. I was kind of shocked. I regularly fail to give myself credit where it is due. I'm sure my facial expression didn't indicate, but she warmed my heart and soul. She breathed life back into my job. She was only one of many. I want to sit in this feeling for a while, and then I want to give it back to the rest of my department. I want to help them feel what I feel because we all need it.

Armed with this feeling of satisfaction, this week has been wonderful and stressful and exhausting and rewarding and full of anxiety and nervousness and calm and relaxed feelings and love of all surprising things.

I'm about three weeks into my first full-time semester (14 credit hours) and the deadlines are all very intimidating. Some days I feel like I've bitten off more than I can chew . . . which leads my mind to chattering about how I'm not good enough, I can't do this, what was I thinking. Other days I've got myself and I am doing so wonderfully. I just wish I had a little more support and encouragement. ~Something I don't know how to ask for, especially because I don't know what it looks like. I only understand how I want to feel.

It's also time to move . . . any moment now. It's bitter sweet. I like this apartment and had envisioned living here indefinitely. Funny thing is that the home I'm moving into looks and feels a lot more like the place I had envisioned for myself years ago . . . the first time I visited the home of someone renting in the Avenues of Salt Lake City. I'll be glad renting a room from friends. Rent seems like it is such a waste unless the landlord is someone I care about. I am excited to pack up my life, trim some fat, move it pieces at a time to a new room and unpack and rearrange it. I'm a little disappointed to leave my room mate. I struggle with things this permanent . . . . I will never live here again and I liked living here. I wonder what that's really about for me.

Also . . . thought I was ready to try dating again . . . not so much. I mean, this time I'd like to be a little more forthright and make some choices instead of waiting to be chosen and then deciding if I will go on the date or not. However, it turns out that I am feeling more vulnerable about letting someone in than I thought. I'm in the 13th month since my break-up of a 21 month relationship. I'm sure this is normal, the feelings of vulnerability. I just want to know someone cares about me before I open up to them. I don't ever want to have to build walls around myself again. Fences give the right illusion, they keep us in and everyone else out. I don't think a healthy person (confident, secure) needs much more than that and I want my security system to look like a little picket fence with a cheery paint job.

The blues are not so bad. It turns out I haven't fallen into the pit . . . I'm just really close to it. I'm going to back away slowly by committing my weekend to writing. I think I will post my writing assignments for school in here. I invite your comments and criticism (constructive please) to those assignments as they come.