The Critical Decisions

The amethyst I've worn for years, the one that belonged to my mother before me, fell out of the setting sometime after leaving Alchemy Coffee and sitting down on my living room floor on Wednesday night. This was after the intense therapy session where I realized that the real fear behind 'not being good enough' is about not being loved.

Amethyst is the stone for crown chakra, it brings enlightenment. When I realized the one I wear most often was gone, my emotions surprised me a little. I am unattached to that stone. If it turns up I'll be glad, but I believe that it was carrying around some serious intensity. I feel like that stone fell out of the setting for a reason, if it doesn't come back to me that will be ok too.

Now is time once again to make some pretty serious decisions about my life. I have put myself under so much pressure for so long and I'm feeling like I have direction, but it is no longer the direction I thought I was going. I want the degrees, but I don't feel incredibly urgent about it. I would rather spend some time practicing discipline, reading the books I've been sitting on for a while - Will I ever be Good Enough?, Mindful Eating, When Women Stop Hating their Bodies

One of my favorite English teachers, Mary-Jayne Davis, told me she offers a class called English 1900. It's a free-for-all, structured class in which I pick my own projects and she helps and consults and guides me through them. I didn't see the class online so I'll have to ask, but if I take any classes at all this summer, that will be the one.

My intentions when I created "Happiness is a Journey" was to become a better writer by setting up some parameters where there would be an audience. I've strayed away from it a little bit and considered deleting some of those entries, but I see no reason to do so because of my second intention: To be genuine with the people in my life. 

Very few people know this blog exists, and many of them are relatives who will remember me as the sweet little daughter of their eldest brother. A faithful church goer, a nurturer of the little cousins, smart for her age and sometimes very bratty. One of my fears is that when they learn that I don't believe in the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, they won't love me anymore. I'm afraid that they won't like the niece with the tattoos, who cusses like a sailor, loves a good glass of wine, and top shelf vodka. The niece who goes out dancing till all hours of the night, who experiments in psychedelics, and wants to learn about Tantric sex. I'm afraid they will judge me (which I know is insecurity speaking). I'm afraid they will worry about me and put me on temple prayer lists. I'm afraid that these things will break the hearts of my grandparents because it means I wont go to the heaven they believe. These feelings bring a lot of guilt. 

But I will not relocate my writing. I will not hide who I am. 

When Spring semester is over, I am going to begin a new project. I want "Happiness is a Journey" to be a raw, honest, vulnerable, and intense piece of artwork about my journey of self discovery. I want to learn to love food, love my body, and live my life believing in abundance instead of scarcity. I'm going to read, research, and write about body image. I'm going to have Sallie take photographs of my body and I am going to publish them here. 

I am a good and beautiful human being and I trust that my family will not love me any less for naked pictures on the internet.