Dark and Twisty

I have an appointment to see Margo tomorrow after work. I don't know if I should tell her that roughly every third day, I eat an entire bag of potato chips in my car. Sometimes in one sitting, sometimes in two, or four . . . but never where I can be witnessed.

Amie says it's cute that I love my potato chips so much.
I think, at least I've decided I can't resist Kettle Chips - all the spices can be found in the grocery store and Kettle doesn't use hydrogenated oils.
Amie said that being observed would break the spell - I agree.
The weekend before last, she and I had make stuff day at home. I ate the chips in front of my friends. It felt good to be observed, but I still felt full of guilt and shame.

That's the thing - The chips seem like something that I'm doing to make myself feel better, but it doesn't work.

I stopped at the grocery store after work today to get some, and they didn't have what I wanted so I got something else. The need for exactly the ones I wanted lead me to a second grocery store on my way to a friend's card making class.

If I tell Margo about this, she's going to start asking questions and I will have to explain that my avoidance technique isn't working.

I don't want to be in school.
I feel like a total and utter failure.
I'm several assignments behind and not learning enough to feel comfortable taking the tests or giving the presentations.
I want to drop out of this semester all together.
I think I'm self sabotaging.here

I can't tell if this feeling like I'm a fraud, a fake, not actually intelligent, not actually a writer, not actually good at my job . . . is real. Or if I feel like I'm not good enough because yet again, I'm not committed.

There isn't enough time in my life for me. I want to write every day, I want to spend time with the people I love, I want to get a decent night's sleep every night. So do I feel all this guilt, and all this shame because I procrastinate? Or is it because the pressure I feel is real?