Guilt

I feel like I should allow myself to have a rest because I'm so tired. But if I do lie around the house all day on a Saturday, not studying, not cleaning something, not catching up on email, not getting dressed, not going grocery shopping, and not going outside, I feel incredibly guilty. I've wasted my time, and I'm still tired. I think to myself that I should not take a rest until I've earned it by studying, and working from home on my email.

I wonder what it's like to go to work and put in a good productive day, and then go home to have a home cooked meal, relax, and spend time with my family. I am envious of people who can go have a glass of wine with a friend . . . guilt free.

Instead, I leave work burned out already after dark at 5:00 PM and go to class for an hour Tuesday and Thursday, two hours on Wednesday, and I should spend at least an hour studying for every hour spent in class. Often I will go to a coffee shop after class because if I go home, I shut down. Often I head home between 9:00 - 10:00 PM, sometimes not till 11:00 PM. I stay up another hour or two, sometimes three or four because I want to do something mindless, like watch CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, or Gray's Anatomy . . . AGAIN. And if I spend an hour, two hours doing something NOT work email, studying, reading, working on an essay, meditating, self improvement, not giving in to the temptation to finish a bag of potato chips . . . I feel incredibly guilty.

About as often as i go to the coffee shop to study for hours, I go home to lie in bed for hours, eating potato chips and watching . . . anything that might be on, and might be good. My DVD drive isn't properly functioning, so lately I've been restricted to CBS's website. I can't get ABC's website to stream from my computer. And then I feel incredibly guilty again.

I'm slowly killing myself with guilt which leads to self loathing. I don't like my body, I don't like that I'm not doing what I'm capable of, I don't like that I can't seem to catch up on sleep, or school work. It is very possible I will fail my Personality Theory class and I am sort of watching it unfold without taking charge.

Admitting that I've been in this cycle since early or mid-October helps. I am seeking a psychiatrist at the advice of my therapist. Maybe treating the ADD will help me feel good about what I am getting done. Maybe it will help me break some of these bad habbits. The more I think about the conversation I had with Margo about it, the more obvious it becomes to me that this is not my fault. It's not something I have as much control over as I thought I had.

Meds still have this stigma for me though. I am afraid. I am afraid that if I do need the meds to function, it will mean that I'm not good enough.

Part of me embraces vulnerability because pain is one very real path to growth. Part of me hates this. I hate being so suceptible to the moods of those around me. I hate being so raw that one nudge in any direction feels like a direct blow from others meant to hurt and belittle . . . knowing that I am the one who believes that.

This mood, these feelings make me consider upgrading my security system from a picket fence and a locked front door . . . deterrants . . . to a cynder block wall with barbed wire on the top, a spotlight and an alarm system . . . and gun-men with sniper rifles to ward off anyone who gets too close to me.

Don't touch me :( I've hurt myself enough already.