Wonderment

I wonder why it is that when the weight is lifted, my heart and soul begin to soar. When I'm in the depths I try to remind myself to rise above, but I'm trapped by something perceived. How can anyone rise above with something so heavy keeping them down?

I'm beginning to think they were right, whoever they were that said our perception is our reality.

I'm taking a personality theory class, and I've hated it. The teacher is a charming 72 year old black woman. She's a spitfire with her own agenda and opinions . . . and she's not afraid to tell you what's up. She survived breast cancer, she's taking care of her 90 year old mother with the aide of a nurse and her sister. She loves her family, and she expects a a lot out of us. I am capable of succeeding in her class, but for some reason I've chosen not to. Turns out I just didn't personalize the curriculum. I should have been using this class for my own personal benefit (not academic benefit) this whole time. What a let down. I think I will be posting a few of the Essay's I've written for class in the next few days. I'm not sure I will pass with a decent grade. If I get less than a C, I think I will retake it because I don't want my GPA to suffer. GPA's are probably meaningless to the Universities I'm interested in, but I grew up in a household hearing "When I graduated, it was with a 3.98888888 because I couldn't climb the rope in gym class, you can do better than this" I feel like anything less than honors is not good enough.

My best friend and I grew up with kids who got money from their parents for every A on their report card. I got lectured about the D's. My friend's mom would look at the straight A's and say: "Oh, yup, boring, nothing new here". See, she thought she was helping, but it made my friend feel like she wasn't good enough. We wanted our parents to be proud when we did well. They just didn't know that what they were doing, wasn't helping us in any way except for reinforcing our feelings of inadequacy. As children, we wouldn't have even known to ask for different because we didn't know the subconscious thoughts and feelings that were going on in our minds.

I talked to D one day after class about any opportunities to earn a few extra points. She told me it would not be fair to the rest of the class and that she was sorry. As I turned and met the sympathetic, but judgmental eyes of the man I didn't know was standing behind me, D said: "I know you are more capable than this" and I cried all the way down 6 flights of stairs, and across the parking lot to my car.

I lost sight of the fact that school is about learning. Personality Theory should have been an opportunity to learn about myself, not about earning a grade so I could move on to the higher level classes.

That wasn't the point of this entry, but I'm glad to have written it. The point was, that the steady ascent out of the pit is still happening and it's mystifying to me. I still can't believe how much better I feel about my life in general now that, to quote Sylvia Plath, the Bell Jar has been lifted. Over one woman in my life who I thought didn't like me.

I am a bad-ass. I am a woman who wants to save the Earth from total destruction by her inhabitants. I want to save Humanity from war, starvation, and destitution by COMMUNICATING and sharing resources. I am the woman who wants to grow old wearing silk scarves, writing books (even if nobody reads them), and drinking wine with beloved friends. I am eccentric, I've dyed my hair purple, I wear flip-flops in the winter. I could sit in the sun all day long and daydream. I like blackberry ice cream, and locally brewed beers. I love a good novel, gemstones, jewelry, and good song lyrics. I want to be a painter, a sculptor, a welder, and a costume designer. I want to be a desert Goddess and travel the world seeking beauty in everything. I want to fall in love. I want to raise a puppy to be a good dog. I want to wear a bindi and my favorite necklace that's made with beans and a shell, a gift from a dear friend. I want to fill my life with positive, uplifting people who see beauty in the aesthetics of human beings. People who will listen to me cry and then celebrate with me when I find the answers for myself.

Why does my heart soar when the weight has been lifted? Why do I allow myself to be trapped at all?